Chaos

Date: October 8, 2009 -- It was a chilly October night, my birthday had come and gone, and my family was no where near.   A family tragedy sent Angela and the kids rushing back to Utah leaving me alone in Connecticut. Angela and the kids were where they needed to be, but I missed them... I missed them terribly.  Self loathing in my loneliness I began going through some family videos from the summer of 2009.  There were several of Angela and Anela that stuck out to me that made me miss them even more so I compiled them and put them to the somber, yet beautiful song The Crisis by Ennio Morricone.  I call this family video My Girls.

(Turn up the sound so you can hear the dialogue)  

(Background notes to the clips:  1. Angela loves smores, but she eats them like a toddler.  She doesn't know how to hold them and bite into them without chocolate and marshmallow getting everywhere.  In the first clip you see chocolate on the side of her face.  I can't help but smile when I see this, because I have endless memories of Angela with chocolate in the strangest places after consuming her favorite campfire treat.  2.  Angela loves flamingos -- I can't explain it and I don't think she can explain it but her eyes light up like a child on Christmas morning when she sees a flamingo... just a minor detail I love about her.  3. You'll see in one clip Angela asking Anela, 'who's girl are you?', in which Anela proudly pronounces 'Mommy's girl'.  Angela's dad always poses this same question to each of his grandkids -- He asks 'who's girl/boy are you?'  If the child says anything other than 'grandpa's girl/boy' they get tickled silly until they scream bloody murder 'grandpa's girl/boy!'  Bryson loved this little game when he was a toddler and would always finish with screaming 'grandpa's boy!'  Angela didn't like this much so she would often retaliate with her own tickle attack to coax Bryson into screaming 'mommy's boy', but to no avail -- Grandpa always got the final scream.  Anela was different and I believe the only grandkid that has not given into Grandpa's tickle wars.  She has always been very clear to everyone that she is 'Mommy's girl', to the much pleasure of Angela.)

You'd think without the chaos of family around I'd be productive by getting ahead on my school work and/or getting caught up on other personal interests rather than sulking in my loneliness.  That simply wasn't the case.  I couldn't focus, I couldn't motivate myself, I couldn't function.  I learned something about myself during the two weeks my wife and two kids were gone, which is I need my family.   I need the chaos of family to keep me focused and motivated on the things I do outside the home.  I need the chaos of family to give me purpose.  It's such an oxymoron -- chaos to focus.  When I tell my classmates and work colleges that I have two kids (and now a third on the way) I often get the response 'How do you do it all?  I couldn't do it'.  Well, for me I don't know how I'd do it without my chaos waiting for me at home.  I simply couldn't do it.